Appalanche!: Whore Shaker
- Details
- Category: Appalanche!
- Published on Monday, 18 June 2012 15:38
- Written by Doug
The finest over 50 Moldova currently offers.
This magnificant bastard comes from the Moldovan powerhouse Prost Nenorocit, which as you may recall dropped onto the scene in 1998 with their off-beat eerie puzzle adventure Moist. I used to love that game, but I got stuck at the part where you had to collect all the centrefolds and put them in the book with that crazy guy screaming on it. Seemed legit. Now, while Whore Shaker (iPhone/Android 298 leu) is a bit of a departure from their usual stock, it is nonetheless destined to be a mobile classic Its inspiring soundtrack and the introduction Brady Throttle Response System (BRTS) put your right in the action!
You're a typical Moldovan male, perhaps a bit pudgy with a radioactive dose of post-communist ennui. Your wife's a babushka more bitter and larger than your three surviving children and your family dog/future Sunday dinner combined. Your job at the rubber boot factory doesn't hold the same appeal it did 30 years ago, when it actually made rubber boots instead of synthetic-multimer-cojoined-pedial-adornments (PC approved for the second 90s). What are you to do? Buy the fake vodka and give up? Lay down in a snow drift? Grin and "bear" it? Yeah, she'd like that, wouldn't she? You going to give her the satisfaction? It's her fault that Andrei has a conehead and two lazy eyes. "I don't need doctor," she said. "Give me forceps, silly man. Now go up smoke stack and stop your cries!" she said while stirring the boiled chekt. Didn't even taste right the next morning.
Well luckily capitalism has liberated your small boot-producing country and brought you all the consumer goods you'll ever need! Get out that smart phone and alleviate your pain by getting yourself a prime virtual slut! Simply shake the F&%K out of your phone to hear some of the most beautiful over 50s Moldova can offer. Shake that bastard like your red-headed step child/future Sunday dinner and you'll hear dirty talk you thought only the Slavs knew. They'll tell you where to go and what to do when you get there. Oh yes. It's like having an actual "escort", without the whole government mandated extra-marital post-coital castration and Sunday brunch affair. Listen with headphones and have the entire escort community all to yourself!
Pros
1. Several Shake modes - Side-to-side, round-the-world, under-the-moon, round-the-back, burning-the-donut.
2. Great for getting rid of the whole family!
3. Grimmace approved!
Cons
1. Easily confusable with Baby Shaker, a vastly inferior and morally bankrupt attempt at comedy.
2. Residue.
3. That's really a horse right? Right?
Appalanche
